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The Writing Forum / The Cone (Feedback appreciated!)
« : June 16, 2013, 10:24:44 AM »
I'm working on a new book. I really hope to have people critique this since I want to finish this book ^^ So I hope you read this and let me know what you think of it 
Rules:
Don't steal
WCRPG rules apply
Be polite to others
Rules:
Don't steal
WCRPG rules apply
Be polite to others
(click to show/hide)
Prologue
“The only thing he remembers is his name and how to kill. What difference does it make?”
“The Healers said that the memory loss is too severe. I’m not letting him resume his job until he gains some recovery.”
The debate had just started. In a cavern, it was too dark to see much features, with only a torch to make some light for the arguing creatures. The first creature was a sea turtle, her teal body completely dry for not being in the sea. Her shell was covered by her armor: steel supported by mouse skin. On the ridge of the armor on her back were steel, jutting cone shapes. The armor made the turtle with the defense of a porcupine.
The second creature was a snake. He was over a meter long with steel armor covering his body. His sand-colored scales are dull with small scars. At the tip of his tail was cut off and instead had a metal, sharp hook.
“Besides, it’s just one soldier, Marlin.” The snake continued. “My nation has plenty of soldiers to protect the beach. And this soldier doesn’t help with the others that protect our nation’s borders.”
“He can still help both of our armies.” The turtle, Marlin, replied, almost growling with impatience. “Even though it’s one snake, he still benefits. He doesn’t seem to be dizzy or severely injured, Cumulus.”
Cumulus sighed, then stuck his forked tongue out to hiss in annoyance. “Why are you so obsessed in winning this war?” He mumbled. Turtles were not as easygoing and calm as they used to be. It seemed as if the more the war continues, the angrier the turtles became.
Marlin heard Cumulus. Though she answered it several times before, she said again. “You know what happens if the Cone is defeated. If the enemy destroys it, our world is going to change.”
Cumulus was about to say something, until he sensed the vibration and sound of flapping wings. Marlin also looked around the cave. From the darkness, a bat appeared. He paused close to Cumulus and Marlin and hung on the cave’s ceilings.
Cumulus saw that that bat was Clip, the Chief of the Bats. His fur was dull red like clay and his eyes are a light gray. He was not wearing his armor, but had a necklace with a cone-shaped tag.
“I heard you two.” Clip chirped calmly. “It something wrong?”
Marlin began. “One of Cumulus’ warriors got hit in the head during the Snakes’ recent battle with the Birds. The warrior is OK, but he lost his memories. The Healers said they never seen anything like it: not getting severe head damage, and yet forgetting everything.”
“The only thing he remembers is his name and his fighting instincts.” Cumulus added.
“Oh, I’ve heard of that.” Chip replied. “But why were you arguing about it?”
“Marlin thinks that the memory lost is not a big deal.” Cumulus answered. “She wants the soldier to continue working for the army. But I think the soldier should take a rest until he recovers.”
Clip’s right ear flicked. “That’s it?” Clip said. “All that over one soldier?” After a pause, he added, “Let me see him.”
“He’s in the Healer’s Burrow,” Cumulus pointed his metal tail to the room at the left.
Clip dropped from the ceiling and flew into the burrow. There were more torchlight, making the room brighter than the other one. It was enough to see the details of the rocky walls. The burrow was filled with messy nests of leaves. There was only one occupant lying on one of the nests. He was a dull green snake with a darker pattering on his back. He was curled up into a circle and did not move a muscle.
Clip stopped flying and hung on the ceiling in from of the green snake. The snake still did not move and does not even notice the bat. Clip knew that the snake was unconscious and was asleep. Up close, he also realized that the snake was young. He probably recently turned four: a young adult.
“Hey, wake up.” Clip said gently, but loud enough to penetrate into the sleeping realm. Almost instantly, the green snake rose his head up. Then he slightly was startled back, surprised by Clip’s presence. However, later, the snake seemed to calm.
“Oh, hi.” The snake said back. His voice was not very deep. It still had the pitch of a teenage snake. “Who are you?”
“I’m Clip. I’m the leader of the Bats.” Clip replied. Meanwhile, Clip’s hearing told him that Cumulus had just slithered into the burrow to join him.
“How’s your head, Trek?” Cumulus asked the green snake.
“All right.” The younger snake answered, starting to slither out of his nest. Clip then realized that Trek was twice as long as Cumulus, despite being younger. Trek was probably an anaconda to exceed in size. At the same time, Clip inspects Trek’s movement and saw no signs of limping nor dizziness.
“Did you recall anymore memories?” Cumulus questioned, though hope did not crawl up in his tone.
“No.” Trek replied, shaking his head. Cumulus did not seemed disappointed by the answer. He turned his attention to Clip.
“Well, Clip, what do you think?” Cumulus asked him. “Should he continue his service in the army?”
Clip slightly titled his head to think. Marlin was right, Trek did seem fine, excluding the memory lost. However, Clip was one who thinks twice, so he thought more. What if memory loss makes a soldier vulnerable to be tricked by the enemy? How much knowledge did Trek lack?
“You said he remembers his name and fighting skills, right?” Clip asked Cumulus. The tan snake nodded in response.
“Is that the only thing he remembers?” The bat added. Cumulus raised his head up to think, then answered, “I don’t know.”
Clip turned his attention back to Trek, who was looking back at him as well.
“Trek,” Clip began. He slightly tilted closer to the green snake. “…do you know what the Cone stands for?”
After a moment of silence, Trek said, “What’s that?” Clearly, he does not remember about the Cone.
Clip flew out of the burrow and returned to Marlin. Cumulus followed after the bat.
“This soldier will not continue with his job for now.” Clip decided.
“Why?” Marlin asked. She did not raise her voice. No one, except the Birds, raised their voice to the Bats.
“He does not remember what the Cone is.” Clip explained. “And we all know how important the Cone is. It’s the reason we’re all here. And I think it’s wrong to send a warrior to fight for us without knowing why. So, we’ll let Trek off his work until he understands the Cone again. The Snakes may also have to train him again to our weapons and fighting techniques.”
Marlin nodded, showing that she agreed. Cumulus nodded as well. Then he said. “Who’s going to teach him?”
“I can lend one of my mentor bats to educate him.” Clip suggested.
“I thought all of the bat teachers are busy.” Cumulus replied. “You made sure that everyone in Cavern Melody are taught about plants recently. They won’t have any spare time to teach another field now.”
“Oh, yeah.” Clip recalled about that.
“Serpenora’s open.” Cumulus said. “And the region has the best teachers of the alliance.”
“It’s miles away.” Marlin responded. “We can only get updates on Trek’s progress by messenger bats.”
There was another moment of silence. Finally, Clip said. “All right. Serpenora it is. I’ll got one of my soldiers to take Trek there. Cumulus, you should tell Trek about the plan.”
“The only thing he remembers is his name and how to kill. What difference does it make?”
“The Healers said that the memory loss is too severe. I’m not letting him resume his job until he gains some recovery.”
The debate had just started. In a cavern, it was too dark to see much features, with only a torch to make some light for the arguing creatures. The first creature was a sea turtle, her teal body completely dry for not being in the sea. Her shell was covered by her armor: steel supported by mouse skin. On the ridge of the armor on her back were steel, jutting cone shapes. The armor made the turtle with the defense of a porcupine.
The second creature was a snake. He was over a meter long with steel armor covering his body. His sand-colored scales are dull with small scars. At the tip of his tail was cut off and instead had a metal, sharp hook.
“Besides, it’s just one soldier, Marlin.” The snake continued. “My nation has plenty of soldiers to protect the beach. And this soldier doesn’t help with the others that protect our nation’s borders.”
“He can still help both of our armies.” The turtle, Marlin, replied, almost growling with impatience. “Even though it’s one snake, he still benefits. He doesn’t seem to be dizzy or severely injured, Cumulus.”
Cumulus sighed, then stuck his forked tongue out to hiss in annoyance. “Why are you so obsessed in winning this war?” He mumbled. Turtles were not as easygoing and calm as they used to be. It seemed as if the more the war continues, the angrier the turtles became.
Marlin heard Cumulus. Though she answered it several times before, she said again. “You know what happens if the Cone is defeated. If the enemy destroys it, our world is going to change.”
Cumulus was about to say something, until he sensed the vibration and sound of flapping wings. Marlin also looked around the cave. From the darkness, a bat appeared. He paused close to Cumulus and Marlin and hung on the cave’s ceilings.
Cumulus saw that that bat was Clip, the Chief of the Bats. His fur was dull red like clay and his eyes are a light gray. He was not wearing his armor, but had a necklace with a cone-shaped tag.
“I heard you two.” Clip chirped calmly. “It something wrong?”
Marlin began. “One of Cumulus’ warriors got hit in the head during the Snakes’ recent battle with the Birds. The warrior is OK, but he lost his memories. The Healers said they never seen anything like it: not getting severe head damage, and yet forgetting everything.”
“The only thing he remembers is his name and his fighting instincts.” Cumulus added.
“Oh, I’ve heard of that.” Chip replied. “But why were you arguing about it?”
“Marlin thinks that the memory lost is not a big deal.” Cumulus answered. “She wants the soldier to continue working for the army. But I think the soldier should take a rest until he recovers.”
Clip’s right ear flicked. “That’s it?” Clip said. “All that over one soldier?” After a pause, he added, “Let me see him.”
“He’s in the Healer’s Burrow,” Cumulus pointed his metal tail to the room at the left.
Clip dropped from the ceiling and flew into the burrow. There were more torchlight, making the room brighter than the other one. It was enough to see the details of the rocky walls. The burrow was filled with messy nests of leaves. There was only one occupant lying on one of the nests. He was a dull green snake with a darker pattering on his back. He was curled up into a circle and did not move a muscle.
Clip stopped flying and hung on the ceiling in from of the green snake. The snake still did not move and does not even notice the bat. Clip knew that the snake was unconscious and was asleep. Up close, he also realized that the snake was young. He probably recently turned four: a young adult.
“Hey, wake up.” Clip said gently, but loud enough to penetrate into the sleeping realm. Almost instantly, the green snake rose his head up. Then he slightly was startled back, surprised by Clip’s presence. However, later, the snake seemed to calm.
“Oh, hi.” The snake said back. His voice was not very deep. It still had the pitch of a teenage snake. “Who are you?”
“I’m Clip. I’m the leader of the Bats.” Clip replied. Meanwhile, Clip’s hearing told him that Cumulus had just slithered into the burrow to join him.
“How’s your head, Trek?” Cumulus asked the green snake.
“All right.” The younger snake answered, starting to slither out of his nest. Clip then realized that Trek was twice as long as Cumulus, despite being younger. Trek was probably an anaconda to exceed in size. At the same time, Clip inspects Trek’s movement and saw no signs of limping nor dizziness.
“Did you recall anymore memories?” Cumulus questioned, though hope did not crawl up in his tone.
“No.” Trek replied, shaking his head. Cumulus did not seemed disappointed by the answer. He turned his attention to Clip.
“Well, Clip, what do you think?” Cumulus asked him. “Should he continue his service in the army?”
Clip slightly titled his head to think. Marlin was right, Trek did seem fine, excluding the memory lost. However, Clip was one who thinks twice, so he thought more. What if memory loss makes a soldier vulnerable to be tricked by the enemy? How much knowledge did Trek lack?
“You said he remembers his name and fighting skills, right?” Clip asked Cumulus. The tan snake nodded in response.
“Is that the only thing he remembers?” The bat added. Cumulus raised his head up to think, then answered, “I don’t know.”
Clip turned his attention back to Trek, who was looking back at him as well.
“Trek,” Clip began. He slightly tilted closer to the green snake. “…do you know what the Cone stands for?”
After a moment of silence, Trek said, “What’s that?” Clearly, he does not remember about the Cone.
Clip flew out of the burrow and returned to Marlin. Cumulus followed after the bat.
“This soldier will not continue with his job for now.” Clip decided.
“Why?” Marlin asked. She did not raise her voice. No one, except the Birds, raised their voice to the Bats.
“He does not remember what the Cone is.” Clip explained. “And we all know how important the Cone is. It’s the reason we’re all here. And I think it’s wrong to send a warrior to fight for us without knowing why. So, we’ll let Trek off his work until he understands the Cone again. The Snakes may also have to train him again to our weapons and fighting techniques.”
Marlin nodded, showing that she agreed. Cumulus nodded as well. Then he said. “Who’s going to teach him?”
“I can lend one of my mentor bats to educate him.” Clip suggested.
“I thought all of the bat teachers are busy.” Cumulus replied. “You made sure that everyone in Cavern Melody are taught about plants recently. They won’t have any spare time to teach another field now.”
“Oh, yeah.” Clip recalled about that.
“Serpenora’s open.” Cumulus said. “And the region has the best teachers of the alliance.”
“It’s miles away.” Marlin responded. “We can only get updates on Trek’s progress by messenger bats.”
There was another moment of silence. Finally, Clip said. “All right. Serpenora it is. I’ll got one of my soldiers to take Trek there. Cumulus, you should tell Trek about the plan.”
(click to show/hide)
WIP
(click to show/hide)
WIP
) RP in an thread as if 'nothing happened' for 12/21? Like if there's a Christmas Party held in a fan-Clan, and the meteors were announced on the header moments later, can that fan-Clan ignore the meteors and continue with their party?
