FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Starts laughing and keeps on walking, saying, "Walk much, dummy?
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will take yours.
FRIENDS: Will ask to borrow money if you go out to eat.
BEST FRIENDS: Will tell the waiter that they're on your bill without consulting you.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "That wasn't how I planned that going."
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: Will tell you gently when you did something wrong and give you advice.
BEST FRIENDS: Will smack your head and yell at you "Are you stupid?! What were you thinking?! Go fix it!"
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Comfort you when you fight with your boyfriend
BEST FRIENDS: Go over to his house and kick his butt
FRIENDS: Will be embarrassed when all goes silent and you start to sing the song that has been stuck in your head for days
BEST FRIENDS: Will be singing along with you
FRIENDS: Will pick out a cute chick-flick to watch with you on movie night
BEST FRIENDS: Will pick out "The Ring" for movie night then scare you in the process.
FRIENDS: Think your insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline
BEST FRIENDS: Are jumping with you
FRIENDS: Will lie in court for you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will take the blame for what you are in court for.
FRIENDS: Come over every couple of months for a sleepover
BEST FRIENDS: Are your weekend boarders
FRIENDS: Ask nicely for your stuff
BEST FRIENDS: Just shout "GIMME IT!"
FRIENDS: Wait to call you at a reasonable hour
BEST FRIENDS: Will call you at two in the flippin' morning
FRIENDS: Will come and ask you to get a drink with her if some strange boy grabs you on the dance floor and you need an 'out'.
BEST FRIENDS: Will push herself in between you and the punk, wrap her arms around you, and say. "I'm sorry she's here with me, find your own date."
FRIENDS: Will not try anything that will embarrass you while near your crush
BEST FRIENDS: Will cackle evilly and try to push you 'by accident' into him while standing next to him.
FRIENDS: Will compliment you if you are down.
BEST FRIENDS: Will insult you continuously, and still brighten up your day.
FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella
BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN RUN!'
FRIENDS:will try to get rid of a brain freeze for you.
BEST FRIENDS: will sit back and laugh.
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC."Because I said so, that's why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."Your room looks like a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."I've told you a million times! Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; I know when you are cold."
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Were you born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ..He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask directions.
Have you noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody driving faster is a maniac?
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
When you're angry, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the person who made you mad.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1.) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2.) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3.) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4.) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'In'.
5.) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.) Finish all your sentences with 'In Accordance with the Prophecy'.
8.) Don't use any punctuation.
9.) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.) Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat. Make sure to keep a serious face.
11.) Specify that your drive through order is 'to-go'.
12.) Sing along at the Opera.
13.) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14.) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15.) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16.) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17.) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'
18.) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19.) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Fun things to do on an elevator:
1: CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2: STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off at any of the stops.
3: WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4: GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5: MEOW occasionally.
6: STARE at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly.
7: SAY ding at each floor.
8: SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the buttons.
9: MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10: STARE grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11: WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12: TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13: DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14: WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15: PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16: ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17; HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19: BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20: PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21: SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22: WHEN you get inside jump on everyone there.