Game News: Blackheart Rogues are taken over! ScarClan holds a Dragon Festival, Windclan is moving to a new land! Covenant pays tribute to their lost leader, Revivalstar, through a Greenleaf Harmony Festival! Meanwhile, Rushingclan is having an herb training session.
List roleplay news here and a description of your profile if you like. Start a profile thread by clicking Create on the left sidebar, by where it says Camp Threads. The Create button only shows on your own profile, but you can participate on anybody's profile threads just like out on the forums.
You're welcome! I'm glad to have been of service. :3
Hi there! Welcome to WCRPG.
I saw your advanced bio on the "0 Replies" thread; I recommend posting it here instead, though, because that's where it'll be seen and (eventually) approved.
Anyway, I read through the rest of the bio, and it looks really good so far. If you're interested, I've written some feedback:
Her appearance description seems to linger quite a bit on how beautiful and mysterious she is, which (to me, at least) gives an impression of a Mary Sue. How big is she? Does she have any scars or other permanent wounds? What kind of frame/build does she have? Just a few minor things that I, personally, like to include in an appearance description; obviously, this isn't necessary.
The personality section confuses me a bit. It seems to talk more about how Willowpaw liked hearing stories than what she's like. (Yes, I understand that she's mysterious and might not have a personality that's obvious at a first glance.) From what I get, however, she's introverted, ambitious, curious, independent, and determined.
Her history's too short. The first sentence describes her personality more than her past, and the second is a run-on with no clear end. Who were her parents/siblings? Was she born in DarkClan? Anything notable happen during her kithood? Why doesn't she have a mentor? Just answering these questions should give a nice starting point.
The roleplay sample is very interesting; I don't see many people writing from the POV of the prey. There's a couple errors in punctuation but other than that it's very well-written... though it reads more like a prologue to a story than it does a roleplay post. As a roleplayer, the only thing I get from this is that a cat just killed a rabbit and it's night-time. The more you can give your fellow roleplayers to build on, the better.
(And as a small note, you're free to roleplay in any format you want, though third-person is standard.)
Finally, don't forget paragraph breaks. Nearly everything is written as one large paragraph, which is straining on the eyes; in personality, there could be a new paragraph for each trait (or cluster of traits, depending on how many there are) to describe it; in history, a new paragraph should be made for each major point in her life, etc. (That's just the way I do it, though even if you don't use that exact format, paragraph breaks would be nice.)
Thanks for reading this super-long comment, and I'm sorry if I was being harsh in my feedback. :C I do tend to take things overboard when critiquing writing, so please tell me if I sounded mean at any point.
Have fun roleplaying!